Gospel-Empowered Parenting versus Fear-Based Parenting

It is either the height of arrogance or stupidity to talk about parenting, particularly when the verdict is still out on my own children.  Nevertheless, the Bible has something to say about parents and parenting, and being both a parent and a pastor, I am obliged to shepherd my family and congregation in biblical, gospel-empowered parenting.  Consequently, I will be writing a series of posts based on my message from Hosea 11, on the Father’s love for His son.

Two Assumptions

1.  I am sinful and parenting is humbling and humiliating.

2.  God is sovereign, and He uses means to accomplish all His holy will.  The two parts of this assumption must be held in tandem and in tension.  William Farley helpfully reminds us that as parents we are one such means, even the primary means which God uses to reach our children with the gospel.

The depth of the Father’s love is displayed in His continuous care, provision, protection and instruction of His son (Hosea 11:1-4).

In Hosea 11, we have an intrusion of the Father/Son image in the midst of a prophesy that is about Husband and Wife.  In Hosea 11, God is unmasked emotionally as He recalls His love for Israel, His son, during their infancy.  The Father taught Israel to walk (11:3); He led them with much kindness and compassion, even bending down to feed them (11:4).  What condescension on the Father’s part.

One Principle for Parents

As a matter of practice it is wiser to positively engage, encourage and instruct our children than to continually threaten and constrain our children.

Lest I be accused of denying a place for discipline, please know that I will address discipline in a later post.

What I mean here is that the primary flow of the river of our parenting should be positive instruction (Deuteronomy 6:4-15; Psalm 78:1-8; Ephesians 6:4).  We are to positively engage our children, catechizing them, loving them, encouraging them, building relationships with them that express the unconditional love of the Father.

William Farley, in his helpful book titled, Gospel-Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parenting, warns of the dangers of “defensive,” “fear-based” parenting.

Dr. Tim Kimmel calls it ‘fear-based’ parenting.  Either we can focus on preparing our children to enter the world and conquer it, or we can concentrate on protecting our children from the world.  A defensive mind-set worries about the evil influences of Halloween, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or non-Christians on the Little League team.  Although parenting always involves some protection, this should not be the main focus for biblical parents.  Often this defensive mentality is the fruit of legalism (23).

(An) example is a pastor friend who has five grown children.  Only one is following Christ today.  What went wrong?  A man who knew him well described his parenting this way: No TV, no movies, no public education, no non-Christian friends.  In other words, his focus was defensive, protecting his children (23-24).

This defensive, fear-based, over-protective approach to parenting exasperates children.  Farley also brings forth an important indictment against fear-based parenting:

Defensive parents have little confidence in the attractiveness (and power) of the gospel.  They think the world is more powerful (than the gospel) (25).

Ouch!  That hurts because the truth of that statement pierces my own heart.

One Lesson

One lesson I learned from listening to an interview on parenting with C. J. Mahaney was to ask my children if I was more of an encourager to them or more of a critic.  Ouch, again!  It is helpful to know if our children view us as for them or against them.

What shall we do?

We must confess that we are not perfect parents – we have failed often and miserably!

First, as Farley reminds us, know that if we were perfect parents, then our children would not need Christ.

Second, know that if we were perfect parents, then we would not need Christ.

Embracing the good news of the gospel begins with uncovering my sin, my failures and looks to the perfect Father who sent the perfect Son to live the life that pleases the Father and who received the punishment that we deserved.

Therefore, confess your sins: to the Father, to your family, your children as/when appropriate.  Let them see your need for Christ and point them to Christ in their sin and failures.

Build relationships with your children on the unconditional love of the gospel of the Father so that our children will not think that our love for them is conditioned on their performance.

Spend much time on positive instruction: catechizing, reading together, doing life together in light of the gospel.

Be your child’s/children’s encourager.  At our house, we (mom and dad) continually tell our children that we are their number one fans.  It’s corny; we laugh; they get embarrassed.  But we want them to know that we are for them, not against them.

Finally, regardless of what kind of father you may or may not have had, remember that God is the perfect Father, and that His love is unconditional.  He loves us because He chooses to love us, not because of anything in us or because of our performance.  He loves us in Christ, and nothing will ever sever that love He has for us in Christ (Romans 8:29ff).

Our identity is in Christ who brings us to the Father, not in our pedigree or our genealogy.  We are our Father’s sons and daughters through faith in Christ, the perfect Son (cf. Matthew 2:15).  Praise be to God!